I Only Make Resolutions I Can Keep

Which means, some years, I don’t make any resolutions at all.  Other years, like this one, I have a whole bunch of good ideas that are totally going to make my life better.  As soon as I get around to them.

Funny New Year's Ecard: Thanks for not laughing at my absurdly unattainable New Year's resolutions.

Here goes:

1) I resolve to stop buying juice boxes. They’re bad for the environment, wasteful, and my family is slightly more fickle with juice than Elizabeth Taylor was with her husbands. They like lemonade, but only certain brands of lemonade, until they hate lemonade and prefer strawberry kiwi abomination…which I buy on sale in bucket loads, just in time to discover they’ve gone off strawberry kiwi and are on to something else altogether. NO MORE. Y’all are getting water and liking it.

2) I resolve to throw away socks and underwear when they start bugging me, instead of putting them in the wash and hoping things will improve. It’s detergent, honey, not a miracle worker. It will not make underwear elastic snug or prevent socks from falling down. Into the trash with them. Which leads me to….

3) I resolve to be smarter about the old clothes I keep. I will not keep a large pile of “painting clothes” because let’s face it, the chance of me painting anything messier than a t-shirt stencil is somewhere between slim and very, very slim. I will not keep clothes in case the economy collapses because you can neither eat clothing nor burn it for fuel. When I buy an item to replace a garment or object, I WILL GET RID OF THE ORIGINAL. Redundancy is neither useful nor necessary.

4) I resolve to cut up, use, and repurpose my old clothes without guilt. A lot of the clothing I’ve donated to charity this year has unfortunately been in poor condition, and I only donated it because I felt bad about throwing stuff out. Let’s face it. Nobody, however deprived, wants my garbage — most people have enough of their own.

5) I resolve to only buy lipstick, nail polish or perfumes that have ridiculous or naughty names. Mostly because it’s fun, when someone asks you what you’re wearing, to say “Bordello!” and saunter off with a grin.

6) I resolve to stop watching marathons of TV shows when I’ve seen all the episodes before. Exceptions for Firefly, the entire Star Trek franchise, Doctor Who or when I’m sick.

7) I resolve to stop lying [quite as much] about doing math enrichment with Youngest and find an alternative to flash cards, which we have both grown to heartily loathe.

8) I resolve to start throwing around a few British terms. Sometimes you really, desperately need to call a guy a wanker and there is no American equivalent. I am also an unabashed fan of the expression, “well done [you, me, name]” which can be used in praise, in condemnation, or even more delightfully, in sarcasm.

9) I resolve to challenge myself with new projects and push my sewing to the next level. There will be blood. Probably mine, if this past year is anything to go by.

10) I resolve not to make a tenth resolution just because I like nice, round numbers.

There ya go. Resolutions I kinda, sorta think I can keep. Mostly. For a while, anyway.


Posted on January 5, 2012, in my weird sense of humor. Bookmark the permalink. 17 Comments.

  1. Well done, you! Oh wait, that was your resolution, not mine…

  2. I like the idea of adding British terms to everyday speech. I’m going to start saying, “Cheers” and “queue.” Can I start using an accent, too? Do you think that would be too much?

  3. Sounds like a good list to me, very achievable. I think #5 is my favourite.

  4. 1. I always do that mondo super duper huge box/container/bag of whatever the kids just LOVE right now, only for them to be totally sick of it right about the time I walk in the door from Costco.

    2. You should just resolve to go commando. Will save you a ton of money.

    3 & 4. Completely valid goals.

    5. Hell yes. I am adding this to my list as well. What is that lipstick color? Dirty Hooker. Next question?

    6. I say keep watching them. Do what you love, girl.

    7. Hahahahaha!! Good luck with that! 🙂

    8. I just love British phrases. Nothing like a good “Bollocks!” thrown into regular conversation to class the joint up!

    9. Only flesh wounds, please. Let’s not make these projects bloodletting ones, k?

    10. Round numbers rock.

    Good luck!! 🙂

    • I’d forgotten about bollocks! Are we classy yet? How about if I tell you I refuse to go commando because I’m afraid I’ll wear one of my short skirts and catch a disease?

      I don’t think this joint can take any more class from the two of us.

  5. And in Britain, everyone is your ‘mate’ (matey), meaning friend of course, and not the personification of the verb form.

  6. I was going to buy Fergies new Avon perfume until my Husband told me she was saying ‘Unspoken’ NOT ‘Housebroken’ in the commercials. I think a firefly marathon is always a good idea,too.

  7. When Tyo and I got thoroughly sick of the flash-cards, I downloaded a math app on my phone and made her do ten minutes of that each day. She was happier about it, although I’m not convinced it actually worked any better. You can also get Number Muncher, which is an ancient kids’ math computer game from my own youth that warms my heart in all its pixellated glory. I don’t think the kids find it as charming as I do, however. I also (when I remember) do random math-fact quizzes when we have dead time—like waiting for the school-bus. I should do this more.

    Let me know if you come up with anything good. Math remains a subject of bafflement around here (which is a bit brain-breaking to hubs and I as we were both pretty good at it…)

    I’d be up for a Firefly marathon any time. Although currently we’re watching Castle. Nathan Fillion’s character in that is, basically, my husband.

    • You’re married to Castle? My first thought was “Awesome!” My second thought was, “….wait, that would be kind of annoying.” Maybe it’s only annoying because I see a lot of myself in Beckett? I do love the way his character interacts with his daughter, though — it’s very sweet.

      Thanks for the math app idea! That would actually work for us because we have to wait 20 minutes at school in between picking up Youngest and the other two. He likes to mess around with my phone during that time anyway.

      I’m the bad at math person who probably passed it down to Youngest, but thankfully the two older kids got the Hubs’ abilities in that area. Of course, Middlest hates to read which baffles me completely. It doesn’t seem to affect his grades, he just hates to read.

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