I’m Never Buying You Playgirl Again

Cameron Mathison, Playgirl

I’m sick. I think it’s a common garden variety cold, but I forgot how debilitating they can be. It started with a sinus headache, turned into nasal drip and now it’s moving into my throat. I’ve also developed a pain and weakness in my biceps. I suppose I could try sewing but I feel like a Tyrannosaurus Rex, with the little, useless arms. That was probably why they were so cranky all the time, because they had weak arms and couldn’t sew.

It reminds me of the first time I got really sick away from home, as a freshman in college. I don’t remember what I had — Death Flu — but it was bad enough to derail my weekend plans with my boyfriend. I called him and asked him to pick me up some medicine, and a can of soup. He came over, recoiled from my sickly physique, frantically checked out HIS throat in the mirror (um, he had issues) and then handed me a brown paper bag.

I opened the paper bag and pulled out the medicine, the can of soup, and….a copy of Playgirl. Boyfriend immediately launched into an impassioned description of getting the side-eye from the convenience store clerk as he checked out with the Playgirl and finished with a dramatic, “Don’t ever ask me to do that for you again!”

I responded in feverish confusion, “But….I didn’t ask you to do that in the first place.

Luckily for all of us, the Internet was invented and nobody has to have these awkward moments anymore. Especially when they feel like a sick Tyrannosaurus Rex.


Posted on October 13, 2011, in my weird sense of humor. Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. I think I have the same stuff, but I got pains in my knees.
    The doctor looked at me funny when I said that. So don’t say that, if you go to the doctor.

  2. Feel better soon, babe. I hate the malaise and useless feeling I get when I’m sick. But then again, I try to milk it for all it’s worth. Sadly, I have never asked for a Playgirl mag. Man, you’re way ahead of me.

    • Well, I didn’t ASK for it — that’s kind of the point. On the other hand, maybe that’s my superpower. I get people to give me unsolicited Playgirls. We need to find a way to channel this into world domination.

  3. Oh my God, how in the HELL did you let that guy get away!?!? Any pussy can get you soup, but if he’s willing to pony up his hard-earned greenbacks to keep you stocked up on porn then MARRY HIM!!!!

    • Did you miss the part where he checked HIS throat before handing me the bag? Yep. Dude had so many issues, he could have sold subscriptions.

      Playgirl isn’t really porn anyway — it’s pictures of naked guys with limp appendages. In my porn, people….you know….have sex.

  4. Ooey. Feel better!

    Getting sick really is one of those tests of a ‘relationship’, isn’t it? … did you ever figure out why he thought you were asking for playgirl?

    • Oh, I’m sure he didn’t think I was asking for Playgirl. I’m assuming the thought process went something like: “I’m not getting near you with that crud you’re carrying, so here’s something to tide you over until I can be sure you won’t give me Ebola.”

      I’m kind of amused that he figured I’d still have a sex drive while I was dying.

  5. Oh that made me laugh. Wow. I’m seconding Tanit-Isis, ever figure why it made sense in his world to buy you Playgirl in the first place? Not that I want it, but for bachelorettes we used to buy a copy to play pin the condom on the centrefold, but they don’t sell it here and when my friends inquired, two stores suggested the gay porn section. May I say that just because gay men and women both like men, it doesn’t mean we like the same thing in porn.

  6. I’ve never actually seen a Playgirl, but the redunculus outfit on that manboy on the cover is enough to ensure I will never purchase, borrow or glance at one again. That is the most unsexy thing I have ever seen in my life. Some sort of see through top and boy pants.

    As for the cold–sleep it off. And milk it for what it’s worth. I’ve pretty much been praying I get sick or my kids get sick, just so we can have a legitimate reason for a day off–to watch movies and eat soup. But, no luck so far. I regret the chicken pox vaccinations.

    • Oh, I’ve been as lazy as possible. I’ve cleaned out the DVR and worked on my Netflix backlog. My problem with sickness is it’s so darn BORING — also, if I get sick, I don’t get the day off. I still have to chauffeur kids around like nobody’s business.

      I think the expression on his face is what makes the outfit so unsexy. It doesn’t say “come hither,” it’s more like “Look, it was laundry day, I’m out of clothes and I have a hangover. I’m slumped against this wall in despair, and I’m giving you this sheepish grin so you won’t hate me too much for puking on your rug last night.” I may be reading too much into this.

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