How to Win Friends and Shank People, and NOT Sew Knit Skirts
I had a post all planned for yesterday. It was Youngest’s birthday party, and I figured I’d do a quick post before everyone arrived on How to Shank a Skank or a Douche. This is part of a discussion I was having last week with Elizabeth of Flourish in Progress (www.flourishinprogress.com, seriously, go visit her. The girl oozes awesome). Anyway, we agreed that this was a sorely needed skill set and that I should do a Monday Dare on how to shank people. Because I’m clearly an expert — not on shanking, but on my ego writing checks my body can’t cash. So an hour before the itty bitty guests and their various parental units showed up, I was googling How to Shank Someone. You know, like you do.
It turns out Google does not know how to shank people either. There are the usual Youtube videos of teenagers goofing around, but the videos are so blurry, you’re more likely to get seasick than learn anything. I did learn the definition of “shank” — to stab someone with a homemade knife as they do in prison. I also learned the difference between shiv and shank. A shiv is the homemade knife you shank someone with. Good to know, I’d hate to get the usage wrong.
So this is my advice on how to shank someone: quickly, and not with anything that can identify you. Shanking with a generic plastic comb, good. Shanking with a letter opener with a carved ivory handle featuring the hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil monkeys? Bad. Also likely to get you in trouble with customs, due to the ban on ivory. Any questions?
The other thing I learned in the last 24 hours: it is better to sew a pattern you are excited about than to attempt to churn out a quick version of something you really can’t be arsed with. I tried to sew two knit skirts this morning. I now have two wadders, one of which was Simplicity 2368. Another thing I learned? Patterns for wovens that you don’t like are generally not improved by being done in knits. 2368 is the classic example of a pattern that is easy, that works on other people, and that looks like ass on me. I am clearly not an easy person, and my pattern successes and failures prove the point, again and again. So I opted to sew the pattern I REALLY wanted to sew: McCalls 6328, View F.
This is how far I got today:
I’m actually very pleased with View F so far, they seem like very practical shorts. I did have some trouble with the pocket curve, even after trimming a lot and topstitching twice. The curve is almost too steep to lay well, but I might use pinking shears to notch it next time and see how that works. I cut a 14 because I wanted the extra room in the rise — I like my shorts baggy — but will need to take in the usual inch at the sides. I’m also going to do a deep hem instead of turn up cuffs because I can’t stand the way cuffs bunch up around my legs. Will I wear them in San Francisco? Who knows and who cares. I’ve learned my lesson…..don’t anger the sewing mojo. It just might shank you.
(As an aside, Youngest had a fabulous party that lasted for 8 hours and Oldest fell down the stairs and got a nasty rug burn. It’s not a real party unless someone gets hurt, ya know.)